Ad Meliora "towards better things"

  I just love when I can be of help to someone else who was standing where I was years ago.  Knowing there's something wrong with your child but not having a word other than "painfully shy" but your gut tells you, there's got to be something more to it than that.  When I got those first few words "pragmatic speech" talking to the girls first speech therapist, I couldn't get home fast enough to Google search them.  It finally gave me a direction. 

We're hoping to move soon.  I've been networking with moms in our new local area and I connected with another mom on a social media forum.  Something provoked her after reading those couple of words "Selective Mutism" to do a Google search and came upon a resounding certainty her child has SM too.   She sent me a message and asked, "Now what do I do?  Where do I go from here?" 

 I wrote back to her and said,

First let me tell you there's hope!  Lots of it.  I would say start with your primary care MD and get a referral to see a child psychologist who specializes in Selective Mustism. 
I'd start with www.Selectivemutism.org  There is a lot of information on there.  If there's no one available in your state, try to find a psychologist who is good at treating anxiety disorders, especially social anxieties.  Kids need cognitive behavioral therapy to start working a "fear hierarchy ladder."  CBT will help them mimic movements first and then works up to blowing air and taking another step to making sounds like "P" or "B" at first and then working on yes or no and so on.   SM kids are usually perfectionists   (My one is moreso than the other but we'll work on OCD issues later.)    Approach is the key with helping these kids.  You HAVE to know this condition isn't something of their choosing.  They don't choose to remain silent and it's not that they're shy and will grow out of it.  They won't, they'll only retreat further into themselves if left untreated!  If caught early enough this condition is completely reversible.  I've heard so many positive stories and tho my two still don't spontaneously speak they've made huge strides since preschool. 
As someone had shared with me in an earlier post she suggested making the kids do "hand overs" to help instigate initializing spontaneous speech.  Since I've read that suggestion, we've been doing it every chance we can get.  At first they didn't want anything to do with handing over their candy bar or gum to the cashier or their books to the librarian.  Since doing so, they've gotten less and less hesitant.  Body language in these kids shout moreso than being vocal.  Like I told the new mom I met today.  It's a long road, but persistence will in the end pay off.  Stay consistent, be gentle and understanding but firm. 
I took the kids out for hot chocolate and a doughnut last Saturday (it was a reward for them for doing their chores and earning "be brave" cards.)  They were able to with me helping them (I ask them multiple choice questions and then they answer having them look at the person behind the counter) order their own doughnut.  Last summer when we went out with the Dr. to the same place for the first time it took them almost 45 mins before they could order.  We were in and out last Sat in under 45 mins.  That's what I call progress! 

God bless the souls who's hearts are stirred and head out in a direction for our children.  That's what being a parent is about isn't it?  Moving Heaven and Earth.  With God's guidance, start right here on Earth moving one rock at a time.

Lessons

This year has been an exploratory one.  I as a new homeschooling mom have learned great lessons about patience, curriculum, children's read aloud books, science approaches and I'm even a better 'drawer' than I ever thought possible.  Most importantly, I've learned to trust God in this whole process.  I've got to be a witness to my children relaxing in life, being comfortable in their own skin.  Friends and family have noticed the change as well.  It's been evident in the way they carry themselves when around people they are and are not familiar with.  They tend not to curl into themselves so much anymore when being somewhere new or slightly familiar.  They often times ask to 'be brave' when we go out to run errands.  They like to work on their responsibilities to earn their rewards. 

I think the homeschool Co Op has been a huge success for all of us.  I've enjoyed making new friends and getting to be a sponge around some of those ol' homeschool mom veterans.  They have accepted us with no strings attached and have been so accommodating to the girls situation. 
Our old public school as well has been such a joy.  They've opened their arms into helping meet our needs when it come to the girls attending extra curricular classes and letting us have access to speech class and their therapist.  The therapist has made great strides with them by getting them to speak outside of her office.  She's been pushing them into other areas of the school such as hallways and the library but has not succeeded in getting them to talk inside a classrooms full of kids.

It's been a year of many great discoveries.  I've learned there are more mundane days than good days, but I've chalked it up to a disenchantment with the curriculum we're using.  We're bored and I just don't like the approach it uses in teaching some certain fundamentals.  I've heard and read, these are the 'gentle years' so I'm not stressing it but am definitely looking into a new curriculum and a new approach for next year.  Find a good curriculum fair to go to if you can.  They are a great place to put your hands on things and decide what might be right for your family.
I have been reading some fun (read aloud) books this year.  The girls and I devour chapter books.  Many "Life according to Humprey" books,  Winnie the Pooh, The Worst Witch series and Dear Hound .   Which is why I'm looking into the Sonlight curriculum for next year.  The kids have progressed in reading and their writing skills are adequate.  They've learned how to tell time, count money and they know basic addition.  But I'm thinking there must be a better way out there.  We've learned bible stories and drew pictures.  Their memorization of memory verses has blown me away!  They memorize so easily.  This one little piece of fact gives me great hope.  They've spent a lot of time playing, making things and getting into trouble this school year.  I've watched them become a better friend to one another and value the importance of being a family.  
It's been a 'gentle year' indeed.  I thank God for all the opportunity He's given us and the means by which they all became possible.

I meet a lady at Co Op who told me she had a niece who also was diagnosed with SM and that her parents found out in preschool, got her the needed therapy and now at age 11, you would have never known she had SM.  What a great uplifting story!!!  I certainly hope we will also be able to tell this same story one day in the not so distant future. 

I pray I can impart onto you inspiration to not give up hope on your little ones who desire so desperately for their loved ones not to forsake them.  Take a huge breath in and a step backward to celebrate and admire the little milestones your child has conquered and praise them at every chance for being brave. 

Blessed With Yet Another Year

The holidays have come and gone.  We are trying to get back in an educational and productive groove.  OH my it's been a hard pill to bear!  Much more difficult then when I just had to put the kids on the bus after summer break.
I'm bored with the curriculum and what's far worse is having the kids look at me with that "deer in the headlights" look when we're talking about the special sounds some vowels make.  I suppose we'll finish eventually, but wow, I'm definitely going to look for something with a little more interest next year.  I had a fear of not being able to teach the right things and so I opted for a curriculum that I didn't have to put together myself.  Now that I've got a little experience under my belt, I won't be intimidated so easily this year.
The holidays didn't afford us much opportunity for a lot of social interaction.  We visited with family overnight and so it wasn't a whole lot of warm up time, however the girls were playing with their cousins by the end of Christmas night.  Not talking but playing along side them and following them around.  Again.  I call it progress.
I think I'm going to follow a commenter, Dianne's, advice and try the hand over/take over method in helping them to progress into more relaxed exchanges with people.
Here is her comment:

Hi Deanna,
I was just researching homeschooling children with SM, when I came across your blog. I have a 9-yr old with Selective Mutism and she's been making great strides.
You were curious about how to get your girls to spontaneously speak to people they encounter, but I was thinking about how "far along" something like that is for a child with SM. My daughter started to communicate socially first by doing hand over/take over. It's a more gradual step to social communication; like steps one would take reduce a phobia. I would take my daughter out and she would hand money/credit card/menu/keys whatever to the cashier or waiter and the person would hand them back. This really helps... then there are other steps to take as your child gets more comfortable just handing things to people. (Like you giving two choices on a menu in front of a waiter and asking your child to point to one. When she gets comfortable with pointing, you might move on to a verbal reply.) Initiating speech is one of the last steps. My daughter has been initiating in some cases now! We have had to follow these other steps first to get here, though. I'd be happy to give you more info and the name of the SMart center, where they specialize in SM. It seems like you're doing a great job and maybe you already even do some of the social communication steps that we've learned, but I couldn't help sharing because they are so crucial to helping my daughter (as well as my other 4 kids who have varying degrees of Social Anxiety.) I'm off to read some of the earlier entries on your blog :) Wishing you the best. -Dianna P.

The therapist we go to has really never suggested this before, we've always just jumped to nodding yes or no when we're around others.  However this is how they started out with her when we first started seeing her in her office.  So it seems a very natural place to start with others.  Thank you so much for sharing Dianna.

I'm always interested in what others with SM kids have to say.  I invite you to leave your comments if you are a parent to one of these kids.

Much success in your own 2013 journeys everyone. 

A "Foreward"; looking back

I've decided to start this blog at the beginning of this journey into the unknown, uncharted territory.  At least uncharted for us.

As a new parent you have all these dreams and desires about your contribution to the raising of your children.....and then you meet your children.  

When my girls were around 1 year old we moved out of the country.   I  found myself dropped into the middle of an island surrounded by homeschooling moms.  I was fortunate enough to considered some of them very close friends.  I got to experience and see first hand how the whole thing worked on different family dynamics and personalities.  So I began to hope that one day I'd be brave enough to face my fears and homeschool my children.  

I had noticed since birth my girls captured a lot of attention, it was a whole "twin" phenomena that would amaze me every time I took my daughters into public.  As babies complete strangers would stop me to oogle over, touch and smile at my children.  Most of the time they were friendly uninhibited comments that meant to edify my place into Twin Momma stardom.  My children from a very early age never enjoyed the attention as much as I did.  I liked hearing how cute the were and how lucky I was.  I felt like I had won a lottery when I found out we were going to have twins!  As the girls grew I would chalk their introvert behavior to being "painfully shy".  You could almost see them physically curl their bodies into themselves whenever someone besides mommy, papi or very close friends would even look at them and God forbid, talking to them.  

When they were around 2 1/2 years old, I'd noticed they didn't have the vocabulary as other kids their age.  I know you're not supposed to compare children, but common, we all do anyway.  So at the suggestion of another twin mom I sought an early development evaluation hoping they'd qualify for the early childhood intervention and get sent to preschool at age 3.  They were evaluated and fell within the "6 month window" for their age and we were denied any further assistance other than the advice to get them tested again if I still had concerns in the future.  

By the time they were 4 years old we moved back to the United States and I finally felt it was time to enroll them in Preschool.  I felt the socialization would be good for them and after a month of attending.  The teacher told me they hadn't spoken a word not even to one another!  They were referred to a fresh out of college Speech Therapist who was working at their school.  She is the one who closed in on the girls lack of "pragmatic speech"  That one word, "pragmatic" changed our lives.  It wasn't labeled shyness anymore but a whole new world of information and understanding opened up.  

For the first time I had a word to run with, a symptom of a much larger picture.  I found out it wasn't anything that I might have done!  I wasn't a miserable failure of a mother.  I was finally feeling like a advocate once I found my direction.  

I went home with that one word and did a google search and all kinds of things came back under Selective Mutism.  I printed off what I had found and took it to the Speech Therapist upon our next meeting.  Funny thing was, she had the same website printed out.   The girls switched into the early childhood developmentally delayed preschool and started speech therapy.  That school year was spent watching and trying to figure out how we get them to communicate.  At the end of the year I stressed about them being out for the summer and not getting the stimulation of interacting with the other kids.  I sat down one day at the computer and again "Googled" for doctors that treat Selective Mutism in my area.  To my delight one popped up and she's very well respected in this field.  I felt so lucky to be so close and have access to her.  Our insurance was approved and we were even cut a break by treatment partially being covered.  Our doctor collaborated with our school at the end of their preschool year and we set into motion a plan for Kindergarten.