Sunday, May 6, 2012

The Fallout


Bullying.  One of the public schools dirty little secrets.  They’ll tell you to your face they're against it.  ”We have a zero tolerance policy.”   They’ll plaster poster boards and banners all over the walls of the school hall ways.  But when it comes to your child being in the cross-hairs…..well, personally, there’s not enough they can do short of snubbing out the little snot faced perpetrator.   A few weeks ago my husband came to me after brushing the girls teeth for bed, he said dd told him that two girls came into my dd bathroom stall and wouldn’t let her leave.  We’re talking about 5 year olds here!  When I asked her about it later she told me it really happened and when I asked how they got into her stall, she told me they had crawled under the door.  That’s when it hit home for me, I knew that instant she wasn’t lying or just telling me a sensational story.  I reminded her that telling something this serious was like calling 911, once we ring the bell, there’s no point of return.  She again assured me that this incident really happened and so I proceeded to call the school principal to spill my guts and frustration.   The principal told me how sorry she was that this had happened, that she would get the other two girls and question them but told me she’d never seen kids confess so not to hold out much hope.  This is not the first time these two little girls names have come up with my dd.  I’ve heard them before when dd comes home complaining of a bad day.  My girls don’t talk at school, they still don’t talk to one another or even to friends they might have made at school.  They have little laminated ‘help cards’ that are bunched together on a key ring that hangs from their belt loop.  They say, I’m hungry, I need help, I’m thirsty, bathroom etc.  This is how they communicate with people at school.  So even after the bathroom incident took place my dd never uttered a word to anyone or showed her “Someone is hurting me” card.  Which just broke my heart.  This child has such an anxiety of people and being in a social situation anyway and then to have two mean girls invade your privacy while you’re sitting on the toilet only to harass you and say mean things!!!!  I was livid.   The principal called me back hours later with a full report of what she could gather.  Of course it didn’t even resemble the story I got.  Those girls said my dd ‘needed help’ and they were assisting her.  When asked how did they know she needed help, there’s where the story got super sketchy.  I never did hear a convincing answer and was left to believe my dd.
This is not the first time the girls haven’t spoken up for themselves.  There was a time back in Nov or Dec of 2011 when one came home with a axillary temperature of 102.5!  Her eyes were glazed over and she was pale, cheeks flushed.  I called the school as soon as I laid my eyes on her and the teacher had the nerve to tell me she was fine when she had left the classroom for the ride home that day.  There’s no way on God’s green earth my child struck a fever that high in a short 10 minute ride home from school.  She had to have been sick for most of the afternoon and NO ONE of authority noticed.
SO here’s where I derail the whole system and homeschool them instead.   I arrived at the decision to take my daughters by the hand and lead them off the train tracks.  I’m not going to stand idly by and watch the train run them over.  I can’t in good conscious send them out into the world, the same world they’re so anxious about anyway just to “desensitize” them without my supervision.  Cognitive behavioral therapy happens at the Dr’s office when I’m in the room with them.  Until they can find their own voices, I will speak for them.  These two are my responsibility and gifts from God, I can’t entrust their safety and well being to policy and the experts advice.
So I believe God has been preparing me all along for this task.  It feels like I’ve finally rounded a corner, being a mom gives you a lot of reason to go above and beyond.  These two are so worth the effort.

Public School Kindergarten


The summer between Preschool and Kindergarten came and went.  The new school year hurled itself toward us and the girls mustered up a tad of enthusiasm to start.  One question all moms of twins have is whether to separate them in school and when?   We opted for them to be together in Preschool solely for the reason there wasn’t another choice.   They’d play independently but never spoke to one another nor another child.  At the end of the year they were whispering a few words in their Preschool teacher’s ear but that stopped once Kindergarten started.  In Kindergarten we chose to separate them due to professional advice and what we thought would be best for them.  In the hopes they would gain some independence from one another and possibly the ultimate….make friends.    Our Dr. traveled to the school to meet with staff and give everyone a blueprint for treatment and to answer any questions the school faculty had.  I can honestly say they all were truly concerned and genuinely wanted to know the best way to help my children succeed in school.  The speech therapy started almost 6 weeks after the first day of school which was a little concerning but understandable.   Our schools Speech Therapist has two schools she’s giving services to.  She started seeing the girls at least twice a week and on an optimum week, three times.
The girls began to really come out of their ‘shells’.  There was a noticeable difference in their body language and personalities right around Christmas 2011.  Family and friends were noticing and making comments.    Myself or their father can get  them to respond to forced choice answers without much prodding and depending on who’s around.   They seemed to be happy and enjoying school, although some days they would fight to get ready to go.  They never really talked about school, it’s like pulling teeth to try and get them to tell me what happened in a day.  When they get home from school, they go onto their usual routines, playing outside or in their rooms.  At home they are loud, talk like they’re trying to make up for being silent all day and are quite funny.  They rarely disagree and when they do it’s because one wants to do something the other doesn’t and won’t do it with them.   Whenever there was a problem at school I’d eventually hear about it.  Seems like it’s always the same kids names that are involved.  ”So in So said I stink.”  I’d try to explain to her and comfort her.  Even going to the teacher a few times to try and get an unbiased story, if she could give me one.  Whenever they come to me I listen intently, offer my advice and chalk it up to Kindergarten politics.  Little did I know how cruel kids can be these days.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy


As stated earlier, I found a Child Psychologist that specializes in working with SM kids.  I felt like this was a divine appointment.  The Dr. met with my husband and I initially and confirmed the speech therapist and my suspicions, the girls indeed had selective mustism.
From what I had read and understood, SM varies in degrees but manifests in the inability to speak in public.  It’s a social anxiety that grips the child in fear and renders him mute.  It’s not a choice the child makes, rather it’s fear that the body can not overcome.  Many believe the earlier the disorder is discovered and therapy is sought,  the better the chance the child will develop tools to overcome and the anxiety is desensitized.   There are many sites and helpful books that will lay out a plan of action, but most parents are contributing factors to the child’s demise.  I personally needed help implementing the approach.  Those of us with SM kids have a way of loving them right into the protection they seek and relent to talking for them when it comes to our children being vocal.  This author is a major offender!   We lived on an island in the middle of nowhere for three years and although the island was 30 miles long and 12 miles wide and population hoovered around 200,000 people.  So I had every opportunity to make friends, but I myself have gotten quite introverted in my old age.  I did manage to seek out and make friends with other homeschool moms along with some other locals.  Knowing what I know now, there needs to be more of an effort on my part to get my kids around more and more opportunities to be social.
With all that being said, the Dr. accepted my two into her care and began working with them in June 2011.  We would drive an hour one way to meet once a week.  She taught me about using the “Fear Hierarchy Ladder” which is a technique they use in moving from non verbal responses to questions with a head nod or pointing to verbal responses.  I was so nervous at first “making” them do this, it was pretty obvious how painful it was for all of us.  Little by little every week the girls gained some ground and the didn’t lapse as far back on our new visits.  Over the summer we worked solely with the Dr. and I personally gained a lot more confidence and proficiency at moving up and down the “ladder” to elicit responses.   It’s cognitive behavioral therapy.  The Dr. explained it as being afraid of heights and taking small steps toward the edge of a very tall building and eventually being able to look over the edge without the fear of falling off.   In the SM child’s mind, just looking is synonymous with falling, leaving them literally frozen with fear and not even able to take the smallest of steps.  So getting them comfortable and rewarding them at any response in the beginning and then moving up the ladder to bigger responses is the goal.
They will do almost anything for a M&M!  :-)